The Iliad... or... how many Conans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Over this past weekend I completed my reading of The Iliad and also saw the newly released Conan the Barbarian a remake of the Schwarzenegger Classic and based on the Robert E. Howard books (on my "fun" reading list).

As I was sitting in the theater, I was struck by the similarities between this bloody fantasy film (aka "guy movie") and the gore-fest that is The Iliad. So, what are the similarities that I saw?


Both The Iliad and Conan glorify the pubescent male ideal. Blood, babes, and battle. I have to give Conan the win for nudity, but The Iliad outdoes Conan on the blood and battle fronts.

The Iliad is one of the defining 'documents' of the ancient Greek tradition. Yeah, yeah, the smarty trousers are jumping out and saying "No, dummy, it was an epic poem passed down orally". There, happy? I got that out of the way.

My question is, how on earth do we get from a bronze age culture of Conans and ten year battles to a Golden Age of philosophy and experimental governments? Seriously, how effective of an Anax (chief, king, what-have-you) can you be if you up and leave your home for ten bloody years.

"Okay guys, my buddy's woman was stolen. You just govern yourselves for ten years, and when I get back I'll put everything back into order."

WHAT?!

That's two and a half terms of a United States Presidency. Imagine Winston Churchill, along with the entirety of Parliament, abandoning England and popping over to the continent for a cuppa butt-kicking

These men were so tied up in proving their manliness that they were willing to abandon their homes to the women and children. Whatever the history books might say, bronze age Greece must've had some long stretches of matriarchy.

Let's look at some quotes shall we? Oh that Kindle sure is handy... importing my notes right into my computer. I will mention that I used this copy of the Iliad. It did not have line numbers, so I'm using page numbers for reference.

• "Death is the worst; a fate which all must try; And for our country, 'tis a bliss to die. The gallant man, though slain in fight he be, Yet leaves his nation safe, his children free; Entails a debt on all the grateful state; His own brave friends shall glory in his fate; His wife live honour'd, all his race succeed, And late posterity enjoy the deed!"[358]

• Well, we've pretty much summed up our Conan-dom here. "Yeah, you're gonna die. Might as well deal with that. So, now go get yourself killed defending your country." Or... maybe attacking another country because they pissed off your sort-of friend. Somebody steals your distant acquaintance's woman, you better beat the living crap out of them. 
•  We can also interpret that quote in true Smarty Trouser fashion, and say this:  "An honorable death is devoutly to be wished."

•  "The brave live glorious, or lamented die; The wretch that trembles in the field of fame, Meets death, and worse than death, eternal shame." [360]
•  More of the same really, though with the negative version as well. Not only is an honorable death devoutly to be wished, but a dishonorable death is the worst fate imaginable. 

• "Now manly shame forbids the inglorious flight; Now fear itself confines them to the fight" [ 363]
• This group of soldiers, that is outnumbered and outclassed, does not flee their death. They stay and confront it. Why, you ask? Read the last two quotes. 
• This behavior sets the stage for the later iconic "glorious defeat" of the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. If you want to see that particular battle turned into a movie of Frank Miller comic-book proportions, check out 300.

•  "The insulting victor with disdain bestrode The prostrate prince, and on his bosom trod; Then drew the weapon from his panting heart, The reeking fibres clinging to the dart; From the wide wound gush'd out a stream of blood, And the soul issued in the purple flood." [382]
• Told you it was gory! 

• "Sole in the seat the charioteer remains, Now plies the javelin, now directs the reins:" [407]
• I keep reading and hearing that Homer only used chariots as a sort of "Battlefield Taxi". This is often considered a lack of understanding on Homer's part. I see two flaws with this ignorance theory.
• This quote clearly shows a soldier fighting from atop his chariot. This might even be paying homage to a particular Egyptian pharaoh that was renowned for his ability to shoot his bow while simultaneously driving his own chariot. (I want to say Thutmose IV, but don't quote me on that)
• Second, there does some to be some merit to the idea that early chariots (a particular 4-wheeled version) were used in this manner. 

• "There in the forum swarm a numerous train; The subject of debate, a townsman slain: One pleads the fine discharged, which one denied, And bade the public and the laws decide: The witness is produced on either hand: For this, or that, the partial people stand: The appointed heralds still the noisy bands, And form a ring, with sceptres in their hands: On seats of stone, within the sacred place,254 The reverend elders nodded o'er the case; Alternate, each the attesting sceptre took, And rising solemn, each his sentence spoke Two golden talents lay amidst, in sight, The prize of him who best adjudged the right." [430]
• This is a description of what appears to be the Bronze Age legal system. What remains unclear to me is that last sentence. Who gets the talents? Is it the defendant/prosecutor, the best "witness" or lawyer, or is it the best judge? I don't know.
• Another question that arises: Is this a description of what the legal system would have been like in the age of Achilles and Agamemnon, or is it what existed when Homer wrote it. (Let's not  get bogged down in a "Who wrote the Iliad?" debate)

• "his grief the heroes join'd, Each stole a tear for what he left behind." [443]
• To these Greeks, crying was not considered too unmanly even for Manly McTough. 

• "I hoped Patroclus might survive, to rear My tender orphan with a parent's care, From Scyros' isle conduct him o'er the main, And glad his eyes with his paternal reign, The lofty palace, and the large domain." [443]
• I disagee with the idea that the Achilles/Patroclus relationship must have been a homosexual one. I see no evidence to indicate anything more than an intimate male relationship. The coupling of intimacy and sexuality [especially between men] seems a modern construct. More important than that, it seems entirely irrelevant to the story. Regardless of sexuality, the close bond between these two men is the driving force. 
• Of course there is the entire idea of "platonic" male/male relationships, where Mentor and Student are also lovers. But, I think placing this later institution in the midst of The Iliad is, at best, stretching things a bit.
• Were they gay? I don't know. And, that's my point I guess: I don't care. It brings nothing to the story for me (positive or negative). Why can't two men be very close friends? SpongeBob and Patrick are just friends. So are Bert and Ernie. Just leave it at that.

• "Then fell on Polydore his vengeful rage, The youngest hope of Priam's stooping age: (Whose feet for swiftness in the race surpass'd:)  Of all his sons, the dearest, and the last. To the forbidden field he takes his flight, In the first folly of a youthful knight, To vaunt his swiftness wheels around the plain, But vaunts not long, with all his swiftness slain: Struck where the crossing belts unite behind, And golden rings the double back-plate join'd Forth through the navel burst the thrilling steel; And on his knees with piercing shrieks he fell; The rushing entrails pour'd upon the ground His hands collect; and darkness wraps him round." [458]
•  Look at the incredible detail given to a single 'extra'. Not only are we told about his life and talents, we are then given a meticulous description of his gory demise.

• "But not as yet the fatal news had spread To fair Andromache, of Hector dead; As yet no messenger had told his fate, Not e'en his stay without the Scaean gate. Far in the close recesses of the dome, Pensive she plied the melancholy loom; A growing work employ'd her secret hours, Confusedly gay with intermingled flowers. Her fair-haired handmaids heat the brazen urn, The bath preparing for her lord's return In vain; alas! her lord returns no more; Unbathed he lies, and bleeds along the shore! Now from the walls the clamours reach her ear, And all her members shake with sudden fear: Forth from her ivory hand the shuttle falls, And thus, astonish'd, to her maids she calls:"
• In true manly Myrmidon fashion, I about cried reading this passage. Watching Andromache go through her daily routine, ignorant of her husband's death, is heartbreaking.

• Here are some rapid-fire quotes. I love the language:
• "the black vessels smoked with human gore." [367]
• "Where the war bleeds," [378]
• "The soul, exhaling, issued at the vent." [385]
• "I joy to mingle where the battle bleeds," [399]
• "the weapon drank his blood," [403]
• "On heaps the Greeks, on heaps the Trojans bled, And, thickening round them, rise the hills of dead." [404]
• "War knows no mean; he wins it or he dies." [408]
• "yet still proceeds The work of death, and still the battle bleeds." [415]
• "hills of slaughter heap the ground;" [431]
• "All beautiful in grief, her humid eyes Shining with tears she lifts," [442]
• "Go; while thou may'st, avoid the threaten'd fate; Fools stay to feel it, and are wise too late." [453]

Well, that's all I've got for now.

Up next on the reading list is The Illustrated Egyptian Book of the Dead. I picked up this copy from the library. I find it much more readable than the other several copies I've looked at. Only problem is that it's out of print. Check out The Egyptian Book of the Dead Translated by Raymond Faulkner if you can't get your hands on the Dr. Ramses Saleem one.

Until next time,
-Alex





* On a side note - Jason Momoa... you're charming as hell. Get yourself into some Romantic Comedies!! You'll rock those women's socks off. Okay, okay, you'll rock my socks off too.